Be a better listener
Listening is a skill. Some are naturally stronger at it, some are not; the best practice it. Listening is 45% of our communication time (while speaking is only 30%), a more sought-after skill from talent managers, and something we’re generally no good at. There are a million lists out there that will tell you how to improve your listening, but I’d rather share three simple phrases that might unlock another aspect of listening for you.
Most people can listen to surface-level details, understanding the face-value of what someone else is saying. If this were all that were required, then that would be enough – it wouldn’t be much of a skill. But listening – or, deep listening – requires listening for meaning, often below the surface.
I’m very guilt of appearing upset about one inconsequential thing while actually being stressed about an upcoming client meeting. How about you? I doubt I’m alone here. When listening goes right, trust, vulnerability, openness, and the awareness of not being alone are all potential results. This allows for truth, beyond just the facts a speaker shares. So when my wife sees me fly off the handle about the dishes piled in the sink, she is skilled enough to hear that there is something deeper going on. This is what we aim for in coaching sessions.
This FS podcast with coach Carolyn Coughlin was awesome and insightful all-around and also outlined three different types of listening I thought were not only easy to remember, but helpful guidelines when I enter into a conversation with somebody.
Listening to win: ‘Let me make the problem go away by telling you you don’t have a problem.’ This might happen when you’re in an argument or debate.
Listening to fix: ‘Let me take your problem and solve it for you, or help you solve it.’ This might happen when your friend or family member complains about a problem they’re experiencing.
Listening to learn: ‘…getting underneath what’s being said and reflecting back to the person.’ This might happen when my wife says: “are you really that upset about those dishes? Is anything else going on?”
Next time you’re in a conversation – at work or home – think about what listening type you’re leveraging. Are you listening to win? How could listening to learn be useful to the other person? What is this person asking me to do (even if they’re not saying it) – help them, be present with them, reassure them?
Coaching leans heavily on listening to learn as a means of evoking awareness and facilitating client growth. We don’t solve problems for you and we don’t tell you you’re wrong. We do enable you to come to your own answers by listening not just to the words you’re saying, but everything else underneath, and reflecting that back to you so you can see what I see. A perspective from outside the stories you’ve been telling yourself, outside the head you’ve been using to think all day. Sign up for a free consultation to learn more or go ahead and read more about coaching on my site.
Go get ‘em this week.