Choose helpful words
I have an amazing client who works hard on themselves, performs at and holds themselves to high standards, and also happens to struggle with negative self-talk. This client brought up a resistance toward feedback, automatically associating any feedback that wasn’t glowing with negativity. They would label this as “negative” feedback, even if it was helpful, even it was shared gently and directly, even if there wasn’t anything negative about it.
My client had trouble letting go of times they received this “negative” feedback; it haunted them and made them doubt their confidence and ability. We talked about several situations where this happened. Then they told me about another time – a time they had received “constructive” feedback from their manager (their words, not mine). This time passed over them like water off a duck’s back – no issues, no holding on, no doubts or insecurity. I reflected back what I’d heard my client share – that the one time they labeled the feedback as “constructive” was the stand-out time in which that feedback didn’t plague them.
And this led me to one obvious thought: that language is remarkably powerful, as well as evasive.
We tell ourselves stories about ourselves and the events around and within us. We use language to interpret and tell ourselves those stories. That language has positive, neutral, and negative connotations. Every time we use words with negative connotations (and those might be different, depending on each person), we reinforce a negative story. If we get to choose the language we use to perceive things, then we might as well use language that’s in service of our values and forward progress.
I’m not saying you need to stand in front of the mirror and tell yourself how amazing you are – unless, of course, that’s something you’d find helpful (and many people do). I’m suggesting to watch out for the words you use, especially the ones you use frequently, and especially the ones you use to describe yourself.
Our labels of things: “constructive” feedback vs. “negative” feedback. Descriptions of ourselves: “I don’t need a lot of social time” vs. “I don’t like people.” Even our perceptions of events: something happening “for me” vs. something happening “to me.”
The difference between something happening to you and happening for you is a big leap. But could you imagine if you actually thought like that?! I, personally, cannot. Almost every unpleasant circumstance I face is something to limit me, hold me back, a barrier to what I want. It is almost never a stepping stone to the next place I need to be, a safeguard against something unimaginably more unpleasant, or a redirection to an opportunity or perspective I didn’t know existed – all of which a happening for me mindset might open for me.
Don’t underestimate language in your daily life. It has the power to influence and compound over time, stacking more and ingraining deeply. Language, as I mentioned earlier, is evasive. It sounds like us, arrives in our thoughts in our voice – we’re used to it. That is one reason why it’s so helpful to share with other people. They will be faster to pick up on word choices than you will – they can point it out, validate it, contest it. Coaching does this and more. Schedule a free, 1:1 consultation to learn more about my coaching, or keep learning about coaching on my site.
Go get ‘em this week.