How to be introverted and not feel bad about it
There was a time when I felt ashamed about not wanting to be around people, about declining friends’ invitations to their dinner parties, about being too quiet in social situations. I thought maybe there was something wrong or anti-social about me, that I didn’t like having friends or didn’t like people generally. But for the past year, I’ve found myself saying no to parties and instead scheduling 1:1s, about feeling more confident in my social quietness, and reveling in homebound weekends. I’ve been embracing my introversion. You can too.
If you’re a self-described introvert or can identify with any of the examples above, you might know the shame and confusion I’m talking about. Introverts share a set of characteristics: shy, quiet, reticent. But those ideas weren’t helpful to me – they didn’t make me feel socially capable or good about myself. Re-exposing myself to the definitions of introvert and extrovert helped me get more comfortable with my introvert proclivities.
One of the key distinctions between introversion and extroversion (removed from stock character traits) involve energy. Introversion is deriving energy from solitude; extroversion is deriving energy from other people. That’s all it is in its most basic definition, and it helped explain a lot of things. For the past year, I’ve been repeating this definition like a mantra, so I wanted to share a few observations from my own life that might be helpful to folks in this position.
I prefer 1:1s or small, familiar groups to big groups with people I don’t know. If I know I won’t feel comfortable going to that party, I decline but reschedule for coffee with the person who invited me.
I prefer to learn by first observing rather than jumping right in.
I need alone time to recharge and have found respectful ways to express that to my wife, family, and friends.
I find that, with the right conditions, I really love being around people, talking, and being a center of attention. This fact is especially helpful at reminding me I like people, I value friends, and am totally capable of holding a conversation.
In a work meeting, I’m rarely going to have a huge idea that I want to present in front of everyone for the very first time. However, I trust that, after I’ve been able to process all the information and articulate my thoughts to myself a few times, I’ll probably have a good idea or two worth sharing.
I’ve worked with many introverts looking to feel more confident socially. What they found were ways to play to their strengths – how to put themselves in positions to flourish (socially and otherwise). This involves adjusting their mindset and practicing new skills that get them what they want. These tend to be blind spots in our daily lives, but when seen through a coaching lens, they become quite clear. The solutions do too.
If you’re struggling with your introversion and how to use it to your advantage – at work, with people, and in your head – coaching is the right tool for the job. I love to work with introverts looking to get noticed more at work, feel better about their social preferences, and develop a rich social life that doesn’t involve going to tons of parties. Schedule a free 1:1 consultation with me to get started or keep learning about coaching on my site.
Go get ‘em this week.