The Pause
In my first few sessions with my coach, there’d be a pause in the conversation. My coach would look at me and just wait. I am exceptionally skilled at quietness, but I felt like she was challenging me to a game of chicken. My head would spin, and I’d be thinking about not knowing what to say, scrambled and unable to know what’s next. Inside, I was begging her to make the next move. She didn’t though. Eventually I’d say something and we’d pick up from there.
It took some learning about what that pause was and why it was useful for me to start valuing and taking advantage of it, so I’ve been warning my new clients about “the pause.” I say something like, there’s likely going to be a moment in this session where I’m just quiet. And we’re just quiet. And we’re kind of just looking at each other on this Zoom call in quiet. It’s not meant to be a challenge or deliberate discomfort. It’s meant to be a productive moment for you to use however you like.
In a coaching session, the pause is an opportunity for you to process your thoughts and what’s been discussed so far. A coach will encourage you to listen to your mind and body about where it makes sense to go next. Remember: you drive these coaching sessions. Coaches are the bumpers to your bowling lane, making sure we knock down some pins together at the other end.
But this isn’t a coaching trade secret. You already know it well. The pause shows up in your life every time you don’t react in a way that’s directly controlled by your response.
If my response = my immediate thought, feeling, impulse; then my reaction = whatever happens after that. I can’t control the response in the moment – I’m gonna think and feel whatever pops up – but I do have the opportunity to choose the reaction. Of course, I’d have to pause first.
The pause provides a gap between my response and my reaction. Instead of an attack reaction, the pause allows me the choice to walk away. Instead of a drink or eat my feelings reaction, the pause allows me the choice to call someone and talk about all my wonderful self-destructive ideas.
At its most effective, I know pausing helps me evade unproductive behavior – lashing out at myself or others, acting out of ego, indulging self-harm – those reactions that are deeply impulse-driven. And I don’t mean to be the fun police. You wanna book that trip to Argentina? Do that shit. Tonight. But taking a quick pause to evaluate your real wants and needs wouldn’t hurt before pressing purchase.
Enjoy the pause this week. I encourage you to think about where it could be effective in your life. Where do you need some gap between response and reaction? How could a pause provide some productive self-reflection? How could it help you determine where you want to go next and what you really want?
I’m most capable of practicing the pause when I have balance in my life. I have the time, the emotional energy, and the present awareness to be mindful of it. But balance between work, family, friends, personal projects, cooking, driving, finishing taxes, etc. doesn’t come easy.
If achieving balance is something you’ve been struggling with, or just something you want more of, coaching could be the right tool for the job. Go ahead and sign up for a free consultation if you’d like to discuss, or keep learning more about coaching on my site.
Go get ‘em this week.